now that you've looked away...

I climbed a mountain today. Literally. Tiger Mountain to be exact. It was an amazing experience to start under cloud cover, climb up through the clouds and come out on top of the world in a ray of sunshine. It was something that I'm not sure i would've been able to mentally do at any other point in my life, but it was so important today. Especially because I had a million reasons not to go, including being hung over. I just kept reminding myself that if I ever wanted to achieve anything big in life that I would have to push through the pain, and excuses. It may not be a huge accomplishment for anyone else, but for me it was very symbolic. Any mountain hike i have ever been presented with (larger than the peak behind the cabin) I have always gotten out of, tired, not in the mood, whatever. No more excuses. Circle of influence. Here are some photos. 

frank...

Did I mention we were hiking for over 5 hours? We figured we probably hiked 12 miles!!! Not only did i get holes in both socks, you can see the indentations of my converse burned into them! 

walk talk

Come see me at iwalkedandithought.tumblr.com I won't be posting here anymore. Look for less insights and personal stuff and more inspiration and fantasy. I'm sure you'll dig. 

work in progress 2

Bedroom makeover is almost complete. Now I just need some artwork. I think the only things left on my list to buy are artwork and tupperware.  Thanks Mom for flying out on such short notice to help me and support me. Thanks Jill for being such an amazing friend and for naming the paint color "breakfast at tiffany's blue".  

work in progress

I got a new dining set today. and two stumps. one ceramic, one driftwood. Things are coming together here. My mom has been such an amazing help. She is a great motivator. Tomorrow we are painting the bedroom and rearranging. I think we have gotten everything I need to live a self sufficient life. I'm glad to have some antiques, some target, some boutique, and a bit of ikea all mixed together to help with a new start. Someone told me that i would enjoy this part, buying new, although i doubted that, I actually have really enjoyed it.  My motto this week has been "do the next thing". all i can do is what is next. if i don't do the next thing, then i will get stuck on this thing. A nice "next thing" on my list (dry erase, of course) is a san diego trip. I have always had the freedom to make my own schedule and go where i want whenever, but i always held myself back from that. For what reason, I'm not sure. Fear. Guilt. Strange, the limitations that you put on yourself. So the motto for operation 2009 is Do the Next Thing. Which implies, keep moving forward. Which I will do, but not without learning from the past, trying to better myself. 

Don't fade on me.

Petty the Dog.

top awesome things about Petty the Dog.
1. He requires a launch pad in order to jump up on the bed and couch. which is why we decorate with yoga mats.
2. He loves to snuggle under blankets. in fact he is asleep next to my legs right now.
3. He hates rain. Will go outside pee right by the stairs and then run back up. I've had to literally carry him outside in the rain before because he refused to go!
4. He loves snow! Will jump around in it. stick his nose in it, eat it!
5. His favorite toys are stuffed squirrels
6. His favorite thing to do on a walk is chase real squirrels.
7. He literally got OBSESSED with the neighbor cat Joey this year. It was all he thought about. He wanted to go outside constantly so he could search for Joey!
8.He loves to eat cat litter. eww.
9. When you ask him if he's hungry he gets so excited that he will dance around and shake his butt.
10. When out of treat options, he loves ice cubes almost more than real treats!
 

involuntary cleanse

I realized when i booked this trip home that it would be a time to reflect. I imagined a pleasant week hanging out with my family, playing with my nephews and every now and then taking the time to prep myself for life without Rob and Petty. 

The stomach flu had different ideas. I spent the last couple of days literally purging. Without being able to do much else, I have been completely in my head analyzing and overanalyzing my life to figure out what steps i need to take to keep life on track, while my body did a cleanse of it's own. 

Then there was the memory purging. I went to Rob's house to get the remainder of my belongings. I took 2 bins of photos and letters that document our entire relationship. I had to go through each letter and photograph to determine who gets what and what should be tossed. It's so hard to look at all of these and not wonder what we did wrong. How could we have prevented this. Or was it supposed to be? Were we only supposed to be involved in this way for a moment in time. 

My mother, inspired by my organization with this project, then set me upon my boxes and boxes of memorabilia that is stored in her house from my childhood and college days. What you should know is that i have traditionally been a memory packrat. I used to keep every single card, letter, photograph, you name it. So these boxes are daunting. Here is an amazing list of the things i found today.

1. A box FULL of Mcdonalds toys from my youth. The entire Bambi set! Thumper! 

2. The entire collection of sweet valley high books. yikes. no wonder my perceptions about how things should be are so warped.

3. The people magazine from the week Kurt Cobain died. (don't worry- totally keeping it)

4. My first bra. it's so tiny!

5. Journals from my entire high school career. follows my love life as it swings from Ethan, to Matthew, to Eric, back to Ethan again. documents my torrid love affair with hallucinogens (sorry mom). and (rather confusingly, considering my loose policy on drugs) my aversion to teen sex.

6. My Andre Agassi and Dillon McKay posters.

7. The first mixtape i ever received from a boy

8. A LOT of really bad artwork

9. Oddly, a get well card from when my sister broke her nose. I had a strange tendency as a small child to hoard all things Susan, so this must be left over from that phase. 

10. An i.d. bracelet. Not from Jeremy Degenstein as expected, I think I threw that in his face at his locker our freshman year. From my sister. Awww. It says "love, Susan"