involuntary cleanse

I realized when i booked this trip home that it would be a time to reflect. I imagined a pleasant week hanging out with my family, playing with my nephews and every now and then taking the time to prep myself for life without Rob and Petty. 

The stomach flu had different ideas. I spent the last couple of days literally purging. Without being able to do much else, I have been completely in my head analyzing and overanalyzing my life to figure out what steps i need to take to keep life on track, while my body did a cleanse of it's own. 

Then there was the memory purging. I went to Rob's house to get the remainder of my belongings. I took 2 bins of photos and letters that document our entire relationship. I had to go through each letter and photograph to determine who gets what and what should be tossed. It's so hard to look at all of these and not wonder what we did wrong. How could we have prevented this. Or was it supposed to be? Were we only supposed to be involved in this way for a moment in time. 

My mother, inspired by my organization with this project, then set me upon my boxes and boxes of memorabilia that is stored in her house from my childhood and college days. What you should know is that i have traditionally been a memory packrat. I used to keep every single card, letter, photograph, you name it. So these boxes are daunting. Here is an amazing list of the things i found today.

1. A box FULL of Mcdonalds toys from my youth. The entire Bambi set! Thumper! 

2. The entire collection of sweet valley high books. yikes. no wonder my perceptions about how things should be are so warped.

3. The people magazine from the week Kurt Cobain died. (don't worry- totally keeping it)

4. My first bra. it's so tiny!

5. Journals from my entire high school career. follows my love life as it swings from Ethan, to Matthew, to Eric, back to Ethan again. documents my torrid love affair with hallucinogens (sorry mom). and (rather confusingly, considering my loose policy on drugs) my aversion to teen sex.

6. My Andre Agassi and Dillon McKay posters.

7. The first mixtape i ever received from a boy

8. A LOT of really bad artwork

9. Oddly, a get well card from when my sister broke her nose. I had a strange tendency as a small child to hoard all things Susan, so this must be left over from that phase. 

10. An i.d. bracelet. Not from Jeremy Degenstein as expected, I think I threw that in his face at his locker our freshman year. From my sister. Awww. It says "love, Susan"