*not drawn to scale

ethanial daniel

This time of year always makes me think of my high school boyfriend. September 22 was his birthday. 

It is interesting as you grow up how your feelings and emotions grow up as well. It has been 9 years since ethan's death and every year at this time i sit back and analyze those last few years...what could have been done differently to change his fate, why was it him that had to leave this world that night, what would life be like if he were still here, who i have become as a result of him, as a result of his absence. 

I've learned so much about myself through the process of mourning ethan. In the last few years i have learned more details of the last few months of his life, things that i am glad i didn't know then. All in all I have really figured out that you never really know what you will do in any situation, until you yourself are presented with it. It sounds jaded, but i have been losing the battle against the urge to compartmentalize every problem, situation, moral issue for years. It's so easy to judge. It's so hard to try to relate and understand. 

I saw ethan's mother having coffee when I was at home. I didn't go over and say hi. I was too nervous. I will probably always regret that.

My friend Randy put up a video of Ethan on his myspace page yesterday. I saw Ethan alive for the first time in 9 years. It made me miss his laugh. 

The night that Ethan died I was out at a show at a place that he always hung out at (the bottleneck). I remember looking at the clock. 10:16pm. I remember thinking, "I wonder if Ethan will be here tonight?" and looking around. And then I remembered it was our friend Ross's birthday and ethan was probably driving to Manhattan for the party.

The next day i came home to a voicemail on the answering machine. It was Kristy. She sounded upset. I called her back and she wouldn't tell me what was wrong, she just said she was coming over. As I waited for her i went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror and knew. and whispered it to myself. He's gone. 

His car was struck head on by a truck in a construction zone at 10:16pm. He was killed instantly. I went out to the apartment complex pool to find Tyler who was waiting for me. I collapsed on the cement.

There were no questions surrounding Ethan's death. It was very clear what had happened. There were so many questions surrounding his life. he was granted sainthood by all of our friends. Immortalized. The bad forgotten and the good was all that was left. I think that was the hardest part of the last few years, the fact that i NEEDED him to be human. I had to remember all the bad, so i could let my mind move on. So I could forgive myself for not being perfect and forgive him for not being here. 

It only makes sense that the fall would remind me of him. Walking in the park, cool nights at camp hawk with a fire burning dry branches and leaves. His ridiculous laugh and amazing ideas. His stubborn nature and side smile. I believe in energy and connectedness because of Ethan. He came and said goodbye to me as he left this world at 10:16 that night. Or maybe he was saying goodbye to the bottleneck and  i was in the way... 

leavin on a jet plane

This last month my travel schedule reached all time ridiculous proportions. No wonder I feel like a nomad. I'm hoping that once I return from my upcoming New York trip, and subsequent Philly trip, that I will be able to chill for awhile in Seattle. Just in time for winter:). 

August 18th through Sept 20
My schedule in order of appearance:

LA
Seattle
Portland
Austin
Seattle
Vancouver
Seattle
Denver
Newton
Seattle
Vancouver
Seattle
Portland
Seattle
New York

8 trips in one month. ekkkkkkkkkkkkkk. 

at least 6 hours stuck at the US/Canadia border

Only God knows how many hours on a plane.

But last night i finally unpacked all my bags. Actually practiced for my voice lesson- I did the scales! I NEVER practice the scales. Maybe if I act like I live here, I will FEEL like i live here... Who knows, I might actually buy groceries...nah that would be crazy. 

Where the sidewalk ends

for jerod and kj

Here is the space needle you asked for Kenton. Imagine us standing on top of it looking for whales in the water below!

Jerod, make sure you tell Kenton all about the brain sucking machine near Oma and Papa's. But don't sit in the chair, it's filthy:)

Suz, this one is for you. It is the belt buckle I imagine your girl Sarah rocking under her American flag outfit:)

maybe the moment...

whatever it means,
is under a pile of old magazines...
that i can reread whenever i choose
to find myself lost in used to be news.

Dust in the Wind

We went to the Kansas State Fair yesterday evening. One of the main reasons that I love the fair is that they will fry and sell ANYTHING. I tried fried cheese curds last night. They were delicious. I also managed to go on a couple of rides and not get sick, which is a huge accomplishment. I did not go on any spinning rides, that's the key. I did foolishly go on a ride called "white water" in 56 degree weather. I was soaked the rest of the night, and the water from the ride smelled gross. As Kenton said to me after the ride, "that ride really cooled me off! And I was already pretty cool to begin with!"