ethanial daniel

This time of year always makes me think of my high school boyfriend. September 22 was his birthday. 

It is interesting as you grow up how your feelings and emotions grow up as well. It has been 9 years since ethan's death and every year at this time i sit back and analyze those last few years...what could have been done differently to change his fate, why was it him that had to leave this world that night, what would life be like if he were still here, who i have become as a result of him, as a result of his absence. 

I've learned so much about myself through the process of mourning ethan. In the last few years i have learned more details of the last few months of his life, things that i am glad i didn't know then. All in all I have really figured out that you never really know what you will do in any situation, until you yourself are presented with it. It sounds jaded, but i have been losing the battle against the urge to compartmentalize every problem, situation, moral issue for years. It's so easy to judge. It's so hard to try to relate and understand. 

I saw ethan's mother having coffee when I was at home. I didn't go over and say hi. I was too nervous. I will probably always regret that.

My friend Randy put up a video of Ethan on his myspace page yesterday. I saw Ethan alive for the first time in 9 years. It made me miss his laugh. 

The night that Ethan died I was out at a show at a place that he always hung out at (the bottleneck). I remember looking at the clock. 10:16pm. I remember thinking, "I wonder if Ethan will be here tonight?" and looking around. And then I remembered it was our friend Ross's birthday and ethan was probably driving to Manhattan for the party.

The next day i came home to a voicemail on the answering machine. It was Kristy. She sounded upset. I called her back and she wouldn't tell me what was wrong, she just said she was coming over. As I waited for her i went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror and knew. and whispered it to myself. He's gone. 

His car was struck head on by a truck in a construction zone at 10:16pm. He was killed instantly. I went out to the apartment complex pool to find Tyler who was waiting for me. I collapsed on the cement.

There were no questions surrounding Ethan's death. It was very clear what had happened. There were so many questions surrounding his life. he was granted sainthood by all of our friends. Immortalized. The bad forgotten and the good was all that was left. I think that was the hardest part of the last few years, the fact that i NEEDED him to be human. I had to remember all the bad, so i could let my mind move on. So I could forgive myself for not being perfect and forgive him for not being here. 

It only makes sense that the fall would remind me of him. Walking in the park, cool nights at camp hawk with a fire burning dry branches and leaves. His ridiculous laugh and amazing ideas. His stubborn nature and side smile. I believe in energy and connectedness because of Ethan. He came and said goodbye to me as he left this world at 10:16 that night. Or maybe he was saying goodbye to the bottleneck and  i was in the way...