dreams

or a wolf to be exact

I don't know why singing helps, but it does. This is what I'm singing tonight to help me through. 

listen to this here

Blitzen Trapper

Furr

Yeah, when I was only seventeen
I could hear the angels whispering
So I drove into the woods
And wandered aimlessly about
Until I heard my mother shouting through the fog
It turned out to be the howling of a dog
Or a wolf, to be exact
The sound sent shivers down my back
But I was drawn into the pack and before long
They allowed me to join in and sing their song
So from the cliffs and highest hills
Yeah, we would gladly get our fill
Howling endlessly and shrilly at the dawn
And I lost the taste for judging right from wrong
For my flesh had turned to fur
Yeah, and my thoughts they surely were
Turned to instinct and obedience to God

You can wear your fur
Like a river on fire
But you'd better be sure
If you're making God a liar
I'm a rattlesnake, babe,
I'm like fuel on fire
So if you're gonna get made
Don't be afraid of what you've learned

On the day that I turned 23
I was curled up underneath a dogwood tree
When suddenly a girl
Her skin the color of a pearl
She wandered aimlessly, but she didn't seem to see
She was listening for the angels just like me
So I stood and looked about
I brushed the leaves off of my snout
And then I heard my mother shouting through the trees
You should have seen that girl go shaky at the knees
So I took her by the arm
We settled down upon a farm
And raised our children up as gently as you please

And now my fur has turned to skin
And I've been quickly ushered in
To a world that, I confess, I do not know
But I still dream of running careless through the snow
Through the howling winds that blow
Across the ancient distant flow
To fill our bodies up like water till we know

You can wear your fur
Like a river on fire
But you'd better be sure
If you're making God a liar
I'm a rattlesnake, babe,
I'm like fuel on fire
So if you're gonna get made
Don't be afraid of what you've learned

there's a reason.

today marks one step closer to baby brayden officially becoming a part of the clan. His mother signed the papers relinquishing her rights as a parent. my sister told me and i almost started crying in a barnes and noble.

on a sad note my uncle keith has been in and out of the hospital with a kidney infection and other health problems recently. uncle keith has always been an inspiration to me. He always showed me that you don't have to believe something just because the people around you do. he has always spoken his mind and backed up his beliefs on everything from sports to religion to politics. Much to the chagrin of his family. not only did he make family gatherings interesting, he also made me feel validated in my tendency to want to argue the other side. So if in a conversation with you I randomly try to see the view point of the other person, the one you want me to hate...well Keith had something to do with that. along with a few other stubborn people that brought me up. you know who you are. odd how a family can be so open minded yet so stubborn at the same time. 

the weather is beginning to turn warmer and my thoughts turn to summer in the northwest. boots turn to flats then to sandals. umbrellas to sunglasses. i vow to revel in the sunshine like i never knew i could.  in spf 30 of course. 

bury it.

ummm so i am painting again... ha ha. don't worry I have no plans of stopping ever.

air war

woke up this morning with brighter eyes and a clearer viewpoint. it's like being a little kid. when you are tired, life is harder, the world can seem so daunting, but it is impossible to have any perspective. it can just feel hopeless. but then a good night's rest can make all the difference. 

I feel like i might have made a mistake today. when i was at my voice lesson, which i have publicly declared to be my form of therapy, no intentions of EVER performing in front of anyone but my instructor. anyway, there is a recital at the end of march. she feels i am ready. and wants me to perform. with a band. oh shit. i said i might consider it. oh shit. but if feel like it would be good for me. another personal hurdle to jump. she told me to invite 3 people that i trust and i laughed at her. I have one person in seattle that i trust, and she sings better than i do. but with all these changes i said i would tread into waters outside of my comfort zone and this is WELL outside.  We're talking international waters here. I'm not posting dates, times, or locations ever. don't even bother asking mom. If i make it though this alive, i might someday let you hear me sing. actually it's not hearing that bothers me...it's the seeing. the stage. oh shit. 

p.s. my only audience besides my instructor has been brucelee...who HATES singing. he bites my ankles and feet when i practice and then walks around yelling at me. i guess any response outside of that is good?

oh dirt road

next week: portland. i miss it. i'm excited to spend the week there. i hope that it is relaxing for me to be back for a bit. I wish my friend susie would be in town for the week, but i'm sure i will find something to do while i am there. i might call an old friend from high school that i haven't seen in years. traveling is getting to me a bit. i'm exhausted. feeling the weight of the world today. 

ripple

best: "the color of friendship" an amazing disney channel original film about apartheid in south africa seen through the eyes of two 14 year old girls in an exchange program . A white south african and a black american. If you get a chance- check it out. 

worst: uh huh. no way. 

the universe says:

When you can look beneath their behavior that hurt you, and you can see the frightened child - it becomes nearly impossible to be angry and carry a grudge.
And you so can.
Besides, your happiness, abundance, health, and friendships are not dependent on how others behave.

EDIT UNDO! Best: Amazing double mix cd from brooke in SD. mixed just for me. original artwork on the cover. the girl worked on it for two weeks. damn. BEST EVER! I like it so much i took the time to type in artist and track names. 

the opposite of the above: when you look beneath a behavior that lifted you and you can see the pure spirit below- it becomes nearly impossible to not believe in people. and love.